Last month, Kveller launched its first ever Passover parody lyrics contest. We have to confess — we weren’t 100% sure it was going to work out. Yet 100 brilliant entries and less than a month later, we’re proud to introduce you to “Evil Pharaoh,” an “Anti-Hero” Taylor Swift parody written by contest-winner Adam Singer.
Singer’s entry was one of five Taylor Swift parodies we got in our inbox. We also got a lot of Lizzo, and “Hamilton,” some surprising metal songs, and even an Alanis Morissette “Ironic” parody that had us feeling nostalgic. We adored reading all your entries, but in the end, Singer’s version was the one that won us over.
Once the arduous task of selecting the winner was done, the fabulous Eliana Light, who, like Singer, is from North Carolina, recorded it in her lovely home. We love her charming and rousing acoustic version of the song. Our designer Mollie Suss helped spruce the video up with some delightful graphics. And now, we’re ready to share it here with you:
The winning lyrics were a family affair. It was Singer’s wife Helene who first told him about the contest. And his two daughters, Elie, 14, and Maya, almost 12, were obsessed with Taylor Swift’s newest album, “Midnights.” Since Singer, 41, wanted to use a female artist for his parody, Swift seemed like the obvious choice and “Anti-Hero” the perfect song because it “seemed an apt choice as Moses is a bit of a reluctant hero in the story and is not without faults and misdeeds.” Maya in particular encouraged her dad to write the parody — and we thank her for that.
Singer already has a lot of spoof and parody writing experience, starting with his family’s seders, where they would make funny versions of “Who Knows One,” to a “Baby Got Back” parody as an undergrad computer science major titled “I like CS and I cannot lie,” to, most recently, a Billy Joel-themed Purim spiel. His favorite Jewish parodies are Maccabeats’ “Book of Good Life” and Six13’s “A Lion King Passover.”
And now, our favorite Passover parody is definitely Adam’s “Evil Pharaoh.” We hope you love it as much as we do.
Below are the lyrics to “Evil Pharaoh,” as well as the two runners up to our parody contest that we loved.
“Evil Pharaoh” Passover parody by Adam Singer:
A bush it told me I must journey back into Mitzrayim
I took my staff along with me
With it I’d work the miracles of Lord
Whose hand will guide me, and I’ll say “Let my people free!”
The plagues will come as Pharaoh sacrifices to gods like Isis with spices
And this leads to crisis (thinks that he’s divine)
First blood is meaning that cleaning
Up after frogs is defeating
Soon flies and lice, then cows screaming
And every time:
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free
And each time, seems that he might agree
But when the plague is said and done, it seems he sees no clearer
Now your heart is hardening, and you’ll be known as the evil Pharaoh
Sometimes I wonder why the Lord has chosen me to lead them
It’s such a task I must fulfill
Not good with speaking, but my brother’s standing at my right hand
And with his strength I find the skill
Soon boils will cover the people’s skin, a disease soon to begin
Then fiery hail rains come in (Better stay inside)
Now locusts eating the gleaning in the fields they will be teeming
And now the sun, it is leaving (It doesn’t shine)
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free (let my people go free)
And each time, seems that he might agree
But when the plague is said and done, it seems he sees no clearer
Now your heart is hardening, and you’ll be known as the evil Pharaoh
Then the last plague – the death of first-born strikes down our enslavers
We marked our doors to be passed o’er
The Pharaoh, weak with grief and crying, calls to us and screams out
“Yes, now I’ll let your people go!”
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free, Let My People Go Free
Here’s my plea – Let My People Go Free (let my people go free)
And each (each) time (time), seems that he might agree (seems that he might agree)
But when the plague is said and done, it seems he sees no clearer
Now your heart is hardening, and you’ll be known as the evil Pharaoh
Second Place:
Dolly Parton is an icon. This entry was a staff favorite and had us asking, why does the seder start at 5??
“9 to 5” Passover parody by Shelly Homer
Choppin’ up the apples, makin’ the charoset
Turning up the heat on the brisket
I hope the matzah balls don’t fall apart
There’s a haggadah at each place setting
Sure there are things that I am forgetting
I must remember before it’s time to start
Seder starts at 5
There’s no way that I’ll be ready
I’m in overdrive
Pressure’s makin’ me all sweaty
Just may lose my mind
I can’t do this all on my own
And I think my dog just
Ran off with the shank bone
Starts at 5
Feels like I’m in slow motion
Don’t think I’ll survive
What gave me the silly notion
I could handle this
Should’ve known that I can’t do it
I know darn well that I’m no
Martha Stewart
The seder plate – got to fill that platter
I dropped it last year and watched it shatter
Along with dreams I’d somehow find a way
To be a good host for fam’ly and friends
Hoping for success that really depends
On my power to be
In control if for only one day
Seder starts at 5
There’s no way I’m gonna make it
Time is flyin’ by
I don’t think that I can take it
Gonna lose my mind
I may need the paramedics
I can’t wait for those four
Cups of Manischewitz
Starts at 5
Now I think the brisket’s burning
Don’t think I’ll survive
I can feel my stomach churning
This is not my thing
Should not have tried to fake it
And I just don’t know
How much longer I can take it
Almost 5
Now it’s time to really panic
My meal may taste bad
But at least it’s all organic
Must compose myself
’Cause they’ll be here any moment
I’ll try thinking where to
Hide the afikomen
Starts at 5
Here they come, ringing my doorbell
They have all arrived
Seems like ev’rything turned out well
Glad I took this on
I’m proud that I had dared to
And I realize now
That I shouldn’t have been scared to…start at 5
Third place:
Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers” is all about surviving and thriving after a bad breakup — and this apt parody is all about how Jews “survive better” without their bread of choice.
“Flour” Passover parody by Risa Shiman
We were slaves
to Pharaoh
Moses asked to let us go
He said no
God sent plagues
Split the sea and then we left
Now we can’t eat bagels
No corned beef on rye
Started to cry but then remembered I
I can go without flour
Eat dinner on a cushion
Sit through a Seder for hours
Answer all four questions
Fill a cup for Elijah
Find the afikomen
Yeah no one survives better than Jews can
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
Clean the house
of chametz
Stock up on Man-i-sche-witz
Call the whole mishpocha
Ma nish ta na ha lila ha zeh
Bring on the constipation
From all the matzah brei
I’m not gonna cry because I know that I
I can go without flour
Make sweet charoset
Sing Dayenu louder
Pass the gefilte fish
I can read the haggadah
and stomach horseradish
Yeah no one survives better than Jews can
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
Now we can eat beans ’n rice
Per the conservative rabbis
So no need to cry
I just remember I
I can go without flour
Eat dinner on a cushion
Sit through a Seder for hours
Answer all four questions
Fill a cup for Elijah
Find the afikomen
Yeah, no one survives better than
Yeah, no one survives better than Jews can
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
We survive better
Yeah we survive better, bubbe
