I spent the majority of this past weekend hyper-fixated on my phone, anxiously awaiting any and all updates on the birth of Ely’s baby. No, Ely is not my relative or my close friend. Actually, she isn’t even someone I’ve ever met in person.
Ely Kreimendahl is a hilarious queer, Jewish comedian I follow on Twitter. She’s won “Funny or Die’s” Best of the Web competition Vol. 3 with her sketch “Women for Biden” and was featured on Vulture’s Follow Friday series with her husband, Basil (and their dog Moishe!).
She also has plenty of hilarious content on social media, including multiple viral tweets like this gem:
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 25, 2021
Currently, she’s in residence at Ars Nova’s CAMP program, through which she’s putting up her solo comedy show, “How Does That Make You Feel?” on July 1. You can buy tickets to see this virtual performance about queer motherhood, pregnancy, and identity here.
But back to the baby. It all started last Thursday evening when I happened upon this tweet:
I’m having my baby tmw at 8am so be prepared for some fucked up tweets
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 10, 2021
And this tweet, from Basil:
my wife is having a baby tmw, please send thoughts and prayers that I don’t say anything during labor that makes her mad
— Basil Kreimendahl (@BKreimendahl) June 10, 2021
Like most young people who’ve never had a baby or been intimately close to the birthing process, I assumed that since Ely was getting induced on Friday, that meant her baby would be born on Friday.
(I’ll pause a minute for any more knowledgable folks to finish laughing.)
Needless to say, I was extremely incorrect. Instead, what transpired was a days-long journey that I experienced as refracted through the screen of my phone. When it came to her tweets, Ely focused on the humor in the situation, but from what I could tell, her birthing journey was a long and painful experience that included an induction, several bouts of stalled labor, pain medication and an epidural and, finally, the birth of a healthy baby.
Over the course of three days, I felt like part of a small community that was virtually brought into Ely’s hospital room to laugh, rally and rejoice with her and her family. What follows are some highlights from Ely’s witty and extremely authentic live-tweeting of the birth of her second child. Please enjoy.
The birth live-tweeting had a very auspicious start:
Ok I’m on the way to the hospital for them to induce me into labor! They said eat a good breakfast because “once you’re here we will NOT feed you.” hoping diet coke and cheese puffs count
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 11, 2021
turns out having a baby is boring
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 11, 2021
As a member of the LGBTQ+ community myself, I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment:
honestly homophobic if I don’t go viral live tweeting my birth on pride month
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 11, 2021
OK PAIN UPDATE
Contractions: 6/10
Being STARVING and watching my husband consume a cheeseburger right in front of me: 80000000000/10
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 11, 2021
We’ve now reached the part of the labor where Ely was given pain medication and proceeded to write some of my favorite tweets from labor, like this one:
Im stoned and I keep thinking the things I learn from commercials are secrets just for me
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 12, 2021
And the important follow-up:
then I remember that’s crazy. they’re secrets for my baby too
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 12, 2021
Seemingly normal interaction with a nurse, right?
Nurse asked if I needed anything and I asked her opinion on air fried chicken
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 12, 2021
WRONG!
WAIT this may or may not have happened entirely in my head and I’m too ashamed to find out
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 12, 2021
OK, I know I said that the “stoned” Ely tweets were some of my favorite tweets, but this one actually takes the cake as my favorite tweet:
I’ve listened to two births through the walls at this point and I’m ready to make soundproofing hospital walls my life’s work
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 12, 2021
At this point, there seemed to be quite a few people following Ely’s birth saga and she sent out an extremely important plea:
my unborn babe just told me she won’t come until I hit 50k followers. Please help me im dying here
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 13, 2021
IT’S WATER BREAKING TIME, TEAM!!! call me an evil nyc landlord but this baby is getting freaking EVICTED
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 13, 2021
Like any good narrative, some drama or conflict is added. Notice, if you will, how this saga began on June 11, but it is now June 13:
Apparently tmw is Trump’s birthday and I refuse to bestow that connection upon my child so our time is limited kid let’s gooooooo pic.twitter.com/HaTS8s6flR
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 13, 2021
OK wait — this one might be my favorite? I’m not sure anymore.
If you’re curious what epidurals feel like, it’s just like Novocaine. but for your pussy
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 13, 2021
What’s an extremely protracted labor if not the perfect time to hop on a popular meme trend?
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 13, 2021
And then, there was radio silence. Even as I got drinks with vaccinated friends on Sunday evening, I couldn’t help but check my Twitter every couple thirty minutes to see if there was any news on baby. I hoped that perhaps because Ely wasn’t tweeting that meant she was in the thick of delivery, or perhaps had already given birth and was spending precious time with her newborn.
To my delight, less than an hour before midnight, Ely provided the update I had long been waiting for:
FIN!!!!!
(Thank you for coming along for the ride and I did not consent to the bow)
♥️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ pic.twitter.com/s7Xbga3L4c— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 14, 2021
Mazel tov, Ely and Basil! (And for anyone wondering, Ely did get to 50K followers.) If you haven’t yet picked out a name for you little one, might we suggest you take a look at Kveller’s Jewish Baby Name Finder?
Can I just say live tweeting my labor might seem like a weird or gross thing to do but it actually helped me get through it so much?! Thinking of silly jokes and making memes mid- gruesome contraction was kinda life-saving. I love comedy and I love all of you 💖
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 14, 2021
Thank you, Ely, for including me and so many others on your birthing journey. I can’t wait to see whatever content — whether it’s comedy, a baby, or both — you put out next!
Header image courtesy of Ely Kreimendahl