The Divorced Parents' Guide to Planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah – Kveller
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The Divorced Parents’ Guide to Planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Organizing a major life event can be stressful for any family — but for those going through a high conflict divorce, these tips can be a lifesaver.

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Orchestrating a massive life event like a bar or bat mitzvah is hard enough for any family. It’s basically a crash course in event planning, with hundreds of tasks including managing the guest list, organizing all the activities for out-of-towners and nailing down every detail from venue to giveaways.

The parents, of course, are not the only ones with lots to do: for the child, bar/bat mitzvah prep comes with learning to read (and sing!) Hebrew and lots of pressure to perform — all on top of an unrelenting school and extracurricular schedule.

When you add the stresses of the parents to the stresses of the child, you are ripe for overwhelm. So what happens when, on top of all that pressure, you add a high conflict divorce to the equation?

While every divorce is different in some ways, a high conflict divorce often adds unreasonable amounts of combative behavior and/or non-cooperation to the mix. Add the financial realities to this gathering and your own simcha (joy) may diminish greatly, even as we try to do “everything for the sake of the child.”

As a rabbi whose work centers on individuals in the Jewish community going through divorce, I am sharing steps that can be taken to mitigate the impact of divorce on the experience of planning and executing a bar/bat mitzvah. Because while a zero-stress celebration is probably out of the cards for anyone, divorce or not, we all deserve to experience this momentous occasion with as much joy, and as little tsuris, as possible.

Tips for the planning stage:

 

1. Consider a non-Saturday morning option.

Most synagogues require major advanced planning for bar/bat mitzvahs, which can be difficult for a divorced family. Some synagogues require reserving the date two or three years in advance for a Saturday morning mitzvah.

There are many benefits to opting for a weekday bar/bat mitzvah, and they can really benefit non-traditional families. For one, it’s a much shorter service, which also means less Torah chanting is required. Since it’s not Shabbat, you might feel more comfortable using video cameras and phones to capture the service — and there will be less needs in general for religiously observant guests. And it should reduce stress by limiting the entire event to one day instead of multiple gatherings (Friday night dinner, Sunday brunch, etc.).

2. Hire a mediator

Hire a third party to mediate the division of responsibilities and navigating expenses. Money and big decisions about the service and the party are typically the hot button issues. Priorities around spending can get very thorny. Utilizing a trained mediator or a parent coordinator, while expensive, can drastically reduce tension.

Facilitators can focus on specific goals and prevent slipping into non-mitzvah-related grievances. Combative behavior tends to dissipate when there is another person present. Plus, the high hourly cost is an incentive to use meetings productively.

It is highly recommended to go with a professional and not just the cheapest option. Better not to count on the rabbi/clergy, for example, as the mediator, who is already holding many aspects of this event. Ideally the rabbi/clergy have their own mediator referrals.

3. Decide in advance where the child will be staying

The following decisions are easily overlooked and can create unnecessary tension. Best practice is to resolve them ahead of time.

– With which parent will the child stay the night before the service?
– If divorced parents are not sitting together, where will the child sit during the service?
– Where will the child be in the hours after the service? Will both parents have access to spend time post-party?

4. Personal ritual for you, the parent.

The bar/bat mitzvah is not just a special life cycle event of the child going through it. It is also a major life moment for the parents celebrating the accomplishment of raising a child to reach this stage of life. While we understandably tend to put the focus of the day on the child, the significance for the parent is profound and deserves to be marked.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend doing this on the day of the bar/bat mitzvah itself; there is simply too much going on. Yet the power of the day and the intensity of emotion, especially in a divorced family, are worthy of recognition and creating space to express. There might be intense pain and sadness alongside the joy and gratitude.

You might consider creating your own adult-only ritual with a few close friends or family to do within a week of the bar/bat mitzvah. You can write a letter about all the feelings you’ve experienced leading up to the celebration addressed to your child and/or your ex or other family members, but just read it to a few close friends. Some see this as an opportunity to visit a mikvah and cleanse themselves for the big day. Whatever you do, the purpose of this ritual is to say the things that need to be said — either out loud or to yourself — in a safe environment without letting it spill into the day itself.

Tips for the day of the bar/bat mitzvah:

 

1. Get a shomer

One of the more underrated honors to give someone at a Jewish wedding is the job of being the shomer. Translated to “guard” or “keeper,” it is the job of the shomer to stay close to the one getting married and keep them focused on their spiritual preparation. A shomer or shomeret (female version) often take custody of the phone of the bride or groom and play the role of bouncer to any would be non-essential distraction in the days and hours leading up to the wedding. It is a sacred duty and can only be given to the most trustworthy of friends who are not afraid to say no to obnoxious relatives.

But a wedding is not the only occasion when a shomer could be useful. Depending on how high conflict the divorce is, it might be smart to consider having a friend at your side to play that role. This will be someone who has your back emotionally for if and when things get tense, awkward or even somewhat combative.

2. Have an emcee for the party

Let the parents be parents and not facilitators. There is too much going on to be worried about working the crowd. You can hire a DJ or entertainment company to do this, but you can also delegate the job to a trustworthy friend or relative who is confident in front of a crowd but does not crave attention for themselves.

This list is not exhaustive and can/should be tailored to fit the circumstances of your specific family. Hopefully some of these tips can be applied to non-divorced families as well. Forging a spirit of cooperation and spiritual wellbeing is not a given and takes effort.

It’s important to acknowledge that divorced parents have an extra burden on an already intense day. And yet, given that most children only get one shot at a bar or bat mitzvah, it’s worth investing the extra energy to create a more cooperative experience that will benefit the child, the entire family and everyone coming together to celebrate.

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