I am dictating this to my fancy assistant Brandon. For the next several months, I won’t be able to type and he will be my hands.
In case you live under a rock, I was in a significant car accident last week. Thank GodI’m going to be okay. I have all of my fingers. I can even feel all of them. I can move all of them, too.
Although there is nothing funny about what happened to me, there are several things I’d like to share with you that may make you laugh and that’s okay. If they don’t make you laugh, that’s also okay.
Lookin’ Good
When the accident occurred, I had just come from The Big Bang Theory set and earlier that morning had made an appearance on E!’s The Soup. Therefore, I was in full hair and makeup and wearing a dress that was loaned to me by my stylist. As my hand poured blood like water, I distinctly remembered–in shock, mind you–not wanting to get blood on the dress that was on loan from my stylist. I failed.
Lashes for Days
One of my favorite things about my awesome makeup lady doing my makeup is that she always puts on fantastic false lashes. I was wearing those lashes when I got into the accident. Once I was loaded into the ambulance, I said to the friendly fireman/paramedic, “Don’t freak out, I’m going to take these lashes off.” I don’t know if he heard me. He was busy typing on a tiny little computer but I did look around the ambulance for a trash can to throw the lashes in. I did not find one. They remained on my lap. All the way into the ER.
3 Tesla Hurts
As I sat in the ambulance waiting to leave for the hospital, I was afraid I would pass out (I never did). In anticipation, I wanted to remove the bobby pins that were securing my ponytail in case I needed an MRI in the ER. From my days as a neuroscience student, training in functional imaging, I knew that the 3 Tesla magnet of most MRIs would yank those bobby pins out of my head faster than you could say, “Bob’s your uncle.”
Chatty Cathy
I had plenty of time to chat with fireman/paramedic John in the ambulance before we went to the hospital (we had to wait for an ambulance to arrive to check out the other driver before we could leave for the hospital). Among the things I said to John were, “At least I’m wearing clean underwear. My mother always told me to wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” He laughed. “I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m just asking: why are we not leaving?” He didn’t laugh at that one. “They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” He agreed.
Shock
Shock is a fascinating physiological and psychological phenomenon. I did not take any drugs from the time of the accident until I was sedated for surgery. I was in a lot of pain but shock allowed me to do the following in the ER: call my insurance agent, speak to my manager twice, call my BFF twice, list to my husband the people we needed to email, and call my fancy assistant Brandon.
Last Woman on Earth
At the scene of the accident, I’m certain there were women standing around. For whatever reason, not judging, no woman came up to me to comfort me or console me at the accident site. As a modest woman and a feminist woman, I craved a woman to hold. Just as in labor, I believe women can give women special support and I missed out on that. The first woman I got my hands on was a radiologist with a regal British accent. She came to X-ray my hand, which was very painful, and I held onto her lab coat and had to be encouraged to let her go. I know it’s not for every woman but if you ever see a woman at the scene of an accident, please know that your presence might be helpful.
Alternating Current/Direct Current
My hand surgery was performed by two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. They were both astonishingly handsome and very kind. As a teenager, I wished I would accidentally break my nose many times. They told me I only bruised it. No nose job for me. Since having children, I’ve thought of plastic surgery many times. They told me they could only work on my hand. As I was wheeled into the Operating Room, the AC/DC song “TNT” was playing. I guess even handsome Beverly Hills plastic surgeons need to rock out.
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your thoughts. Thank you for driving safely.
