This past year is hard to put into words. Yet as Jewish parents, many of us have had no choice but to find the right words to explain the October 7 attack and its aftermath to our kids, and it has made for one of our most challenging years of parenting yet.
We’ve had to find the words to say when we’re trying to hide our grief from our youngest children, and what to say when they notice it. We’ve been trying to find the right words to help our older kids navigate this moment while giving them the space to come up with their own ideas about it. We’ve had to talk to them about Jewish pride right alongside Jewish safety. And even though we’ve sometimes felt alone, we’ve had so many fellow parents, across the country and the world, in the same boat with us, scrambling for exactly what it is that needs to be said.
Leading up to the one-year anniversary of October 7, we at Kveller asked our readers about what it’s felt like to be a Jewish parent in the past year. We’re hoping that these answers will make you feel seen and less lonely as we continue to feel the reverberations of that tragic day. May the memories of the victims be for a blessing, and may we see better days of parenting soon.
What has been the most challenging part of the past year?
Not telling my kids why we are not going to Israel for the foreseeable future. Not telling them about the war. Crying in front of them.
It’s been tough with two college-aged kids. And yet, my kids are not as connected to their Judaism as I am, so I don’t think they feel strongly one way or the other. Fortunately, they agree with me about the problems with the campus protests and the issues of antisemitism. But I don’t think they see it as affecting them. Part of me wishes they did, but I also don’t want them to be fearful and worried.
Having to fake normal functioning, while mourning and constantly worrying.
Finding Jewish joy while being nervous to outwardly show we’re Jewish. I was so scared to have my daughter wear her Hanukkah dress to school not knowing the reactions we may get.
The challenging parts have been trying to figure out how much to tell my kids about what is happening in an age-appropriate way, keeping them informed but also safe. It’s also been challenging to have so much more security at school and community events.
Not seeing the support in my so-called diverse community.
The need to fill my son’s life with Jewish love is more important than ever but I am afraid for him in a way I never thought I would need to be.
Most challenging has been the overwhelming fear, anxiety and hypervigilance. The fact is, I have also had to completely reimagine my dreams for my children’s futures, and that part physically pains me.
I have been living in Israel for 47 years. This is the worst it’s ever been.
The most challenging is thinking about the Bibas family. I think about Shiri all the time. We’re both mothers of two small children. Hers are in the clutches of terrorists and that breaks my heart.
My kids have varying concepts of the war in Israel and the rise in antisemitism (based on age). It’s been a struggle to work through my own deep grief and fears in a way that doesn’t cause them distress.
My son had to switch schools due to antisemitic bullying. My daughter is at a Jewish day school and there is police presence all day.
I am scared all the time, and not sharing that fear with my kids has been really hard.
I work in a Jewish day school and am not sure there is a space for me, who cares about Palestinians and feels so deeply for the Israeli people.
Worrying about my son’s Jewish nursery school being a potential target.
The past year has dramatically changed my social circle, as I learned which of my non-Jewish friends I can trust and which I cannot.
The challenge is also the reward: teaching my children both the vocabulary and the facts that generate the right of pride in their ethnicity, history, people, and religion.
What has been the most rewarding part of being a Jewish parent this past year?
Seeing my son’s love of Israel and Zionism strengthen. His girlfriend told me she wants to become Jewish because it means so much to him. I had no idea.
Seeing how my 7-year-old has embraced her Jewish identity, drawing Jewish stars on everything from crafts to schoolwork. My 9-year-old is in his “I hate religious school” phase but loved my Hanukkah visit to school and is making good friends at Hebrew school. Both kids, who attend very non-Jewish schools, had Hebrew school friends at their birthday parties for the first time, which made me really happy.
The most rewarding parts have been seeing that for my kids, things are mostly not different. We have grown more committed to our community and really developed relationships this year.
Watching my daughter be even a more outspoken and proud Jew.
Seeing how strong our community is when put to the test.
Appreciating mine and my immediate family’s freedom. There’s a newfound gratitude for being Jewish and every breath of fresh air is a gift.
Being the only Jewish family in our small north Georgia community, it can feel lonely. But the Christians in our community have stepped up with churches showing their support for Israel, and our own hostage square in our small downtown. We have more allies than we think we do.
It’s always rewarding being a Jewish parent 🩵
How have your conversations with your kids about Israel, Gaza and the war changed in the past year? Were there any particular conversations that stand out to you?
I suggested to my grown child to attempt to hide his tattoo of a Magen David and a Chai. He replied, “No! Let them come at me.” Even in business, he doesn’t care. His Judaism is fully on display along with his pride.
This was the first time I ever spoke to my kids about Gaza.
The conversations we have now start from points of pain and confusion, which is devastating. They used to be generated out of pure curiosity. Now, they are often reactions to real antisemitism they experience from peers.
We have tried not to overwhelm them because of their ages. They know there is a war but not too much of the details. We also talk more about antisemitism here because that’s what they see.
We went from not having any conversations about Gaza to it being a talking point most nights. Conversations are difficult and upsetting. My kids wonder if being Jewish is something to be proud of. They question their identity and the value of it.
Just yesterday, I had coffee with my first-year college student and she expressed that she didn’t feel like there was a space on campus to care about the Palestinians in Gaza AND the hostages and murder victims on 10/7.
It’s hard, my kids are so little. For the first six weeks or so, I was wearing black, had no appetite and cried often. It was hard to accept that my child’s understanding maxed out beyond “mommy is sad.” So that’s where I had to leave things, even though I was aching to tell him more.
They’re too young to really understand, but I tell them it’s OK that sometimes people are sad because bad things happened (and are happening). I just remind them that mommy is always here with endless love even if Abba goes back to reserve duty.
We talk about how we want to have peace with our Arab brothers and sisters and live in freedom and security.
We were personally impacted by loss on 10/7 and my husband’s brother spent several months fighting in Gaza. We tried to shield the children from most of these conversations. However, early in the war, our oldest developed a facial tick which seemed to be related to stress — her stress and the stress of the adults around her experiencing grief and fear.
This year has taught my whole family that history is not just what has happened to our people, but how we are much part of the ongoing story. That listening to the past is how we triumph for the future.
How has this year changed the way you feel about what it means to be a Jewish parent?
We are more conscientious.
I feel guilty! Just as I am becoming an empty nester, I regret that I didn’t do more to help my kids appreciate and be proud of their Judaism. We are an interfaith couple, so we’ve always done Christmas. We have always honored the Jewish holidays, gone to services and religious school, and yet my kids don’t seem connected to their Judaism the way I am. I feel partly at fault for it!
I have always felt connected to my Jewish identity and dedicated to passing that on. The past year has deepened those feelings.
I’ve become even more protective and confident in raising strong and proud Jewish children.
It has taught me that not everything is black and white and that we can hold space for two truths.
Sadly it made me feel like one could never be really safe anywhere as a Jewish child.
There is more fear for my children and grandchildren.
I’ve always taken my responsibility to teach my children who they are as Jews seriously. Now, though, it’s much about fortifying their pride.
Yes and no. I think we’re doing the things we were already doing (day school, going to shul, etc.), but I think it has made me see the necessity of these things more. And it has made me think hard about what choices we will make in the future. Will I move my kids back to the public system for high school? Post-October 7th, I don’t know.
This year has been the most difficult I’ve experienced as a Jewish parent to Jewish children. Questions about the value of our Jewishness and the continuation of our association as Jews.
The work of Jewish parenting has never felt as urgent or essential. It has also never felt more lonely.
It’s really intense. I love being Jewish and raising my children in an observant home. But it terrifies me that I need to worry about my children speaking Hebrew whenever we travel outside of Israel. They should be free to express themselves in any way they’d like but it feels like Hebrew speakers are targeted in hate crimes nowadays.
October 7 literally shook the ground I stand on, and made me reevaluate everything in my life. My Jewish heritage and identity has become the center of everything, where I had been quite indifferent before.
Much harder. More fear. Less pride. Many negative feelings to work through.
We’ve doubled down on being Jewish.
It’s been a tough year to be a Jewish parent. But even though it’s been scary, the kids seem alright. They’re resilient and they are supported by our family and our community.
Has October 7 changed the way you practice your Judaism?
I try to make more of an effort to wear a Jewish star or a chai, and to light candles or acknowledge Shabbat in some way. I try to publicly defend Israel and Jews if I hear mistruths.
Yes, though not in religious ways — I still attend services and participate in congregational life to about the same extent. But being Jewish has become a much more prominent part of my cultural identity, in how I interact with people, what news I read and how I view the world. I lead the Jewish employee group at my global firm and have spent a lot of time and energy supporting my colleagues as we all navigate this world of trauma, grief and fear. Being Jewish has become a much, much bigger part of my role and identity at work than I had imagined it would.
I’ve become more mindful, more faithful and sought out the wisdom of more rabbis.
I no longer wear things in public that openly show I’m Jewish.
We were already pivoting more towards regular shul attendance, but I think that this probably tipped the scales. We’ve been going pretty much every week since October 7.
October 7 reoriented our lives to truly put our culture, tradition and faith at the center of everything.
Not at all.
Since October 7 I’ve found my prayer changed from reading from a prayer book to directly speaking to God from my heart. The words in a siddur haven’t connected with me and I feel more adequately expressed by my own words.
We light extra candles for the hostages on Shabbat.
I have always put my Jewish identity first in describing myself. Now I say it louder and prouder.
We are more aware of what It means, in a deeper sense, to practice tikkun olam.
We had actually just joined a temple community two months prior to October 7 and it was really such a blessing. It’s been nice to be in a community of people who are struggling and hurting, who can understand my struggle and hurt. As someone who was raised without a religious community this has been invaluable.
We have been celebrating our Judaism more than ever. We never skip doing Shabbat as a family.
