We’ve been following along with Emily on her path to becoming a single mother by choice. She is now 32 weeks pregnant.
For most of my life, I have had a strong attraction to men who could be described as wiry, nerdy types. I dated lots of guys who wore smaller jeans than I did and it might have seemed that spectacles were a requirement for the men I chose. In fact, at one point, when my sister and I were playing Hodel and Tzeitel in a regional production of Fiddler on the Roof, she joked that I had taken my search for a modern day Motel the Tailor a little too far!
But, these days, something has changed. I’m not sure if it is hormones, circumstances, or the reality of what a stroller weighs, but I am finding myself much more attracted to large, alpha males. Muscles really grab my attention. I notice myself noticing certain men in town and I realize that a year ago, they wouldn’t have caught my eye. Now, they look like my dream men. I see a physically strong looking man and wonder if he is also handy, kind, and patient. Although I am still very interested in meeting a man who has a nerdy side to him, the possibility that he might be strong and able bodied is far more alluring.
This is all very shocking, and in some ways, unwelcome, to me. I am the woman who plans to keep most pink items out of my daughter’s nursery, so as not to project specific gender expectations. I’m all for purple and light greens, but pink grates on my philosophical leanings. So, hetero-normative expectations of coupling seem far from my own reality. And, yet, here I am thinking about how wonderful it would be to spend time with a man who won’t scream and jump into my arms when he sees a bug or a snake.
I realize this may all come down to a biological desire to protect and be protected. A mother’s love is fierce. I already feel myself defending the health and safety of my future child, and she isn’t due until June. I carefully consider where I go, what I eat, and how often I get my nails done (although everything I have read suggests that this is not a real concern). I wonder what it would be like to have a man in my life who is in the equation to protect me. What if, when I researched strollers, I didn’t have to consider the weight of each one, because I knew, if I felt tired for any reason, my strong, caring, and very alpha partner would be there to lift it? What if, as I walked down the street, I had a man beside me, serving as a buffer between the wild world and my precious womb?
There is so much empowerment associated with my journey. I am living my dream and pursuing motherhood with my whole heart. Still, I do think there might be some days, especially those to come, that would be made lighter by the strength and support of a sturdy partner. Maybe he doesn’t have to have all the physical manifestations of strength, although I am finding those sexy at the moment, but I would welcome someone who was looking out for me a little–perhaps a progressive version of the protector. A man who understands, and even shares, my politics, but still wants to help me carry heavy things.
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