I don’t know about you, but whenever I approach a Jewish holiday, my first thought is: wouldn’t this be SO MUCH BETTER with a little bit of pot? Oh come on, like you haven’t thought about it too. It’s led me to get a little creative in my rituals. My family and I use joints instead of candles on the menorah during Hanukkah, we take hits out of the shofar during Rosh Hashanah, so on and so forth.
But what about Passover? Moses loved the ganj’ as much as the next guy. I mean, really, he “heard the voice of God” coming from a “burning bush?” Do you guys think he actually talked to a bush? He was obviously just toking some dank-ass shit. How else would he have been able to overcome his anxieties and lead our people to the Promised Land?
So what’s the best way to blaze up during Passover? Well, there’s actually a ton of awesome ways to sneak a little Mary J into the fun. Just don’t tell the kids. Or do. I won’t tell you how to live your life.
Here is, in my opinion, a much funner version of the seder. I’ve only included parts that have space for MJ, but please feel free to share other ideas with me.
Kveller’s Blazin’ Seder (TM)
Do a couple of these steps for a Rastafarian twist on your normal Passover meal. Do all of them for a night you’ll never remember.
Kaddesh (Blessing)
Bless the first fat joint, then pass it to the left in a circle around the table until everyone gets that sweet puff puff.
Urechatz (Washing)
Wash your hands in preparation for the rolling of more joints.
Karpas (Vegetable)
Ditch the parsley here and encourage your guests to smoke through a vaporizer. This provides a cleaner hit while also symbolizing the tears of the Jewish people. Boom, multitasking.
Yachatz (Breaking)
At this point, you’ll probably have run out of freshly ground bud. So pull out your grinder and isolate one nugget to be ground for the group. This should be the smallest nug, as the bigger one will become the afikomen. You can also buy mid-grade weed for everything except the afikomen, which I recommend be medical-grade.
Maggid (The Story)
This begins with the highest person in the group asking the Four Questions. These are usually sung, but unless you’re celebrating your seder with Mariah Carey, it will probably make you all laugh so hard you throw up. So I recommend trying to keep your shit together through this step. Afterwards, the second highest person in the room–or the person who fronted the money for all this herb–tells the Exodus story.
End by smoking the second joint.
Blessing Over the Matzah
OK, so, it can’t really be Passover without matzah. Luckily for you, there are a ton of delicious spreads and dips you can make to incorporate pot into this step. My recommendation: Green Goodness Hemp Seed Pesto (just omit the nutritional yeast.)
Maror (Bitter Herbs)
…do I really need to spell this one out for you? 420 BLAZE IT!
Dinner
There are tons of places to incorporate that sticky-icky during the Passover dinner. Some of my favorites include: “Special” Matzah Ball Soup and Cannabis Deviled Eggs. You can also cook really anything you want using weed-infused cooking oil, which is SUPER easy to make.
Afikomen
This is what you’ve all fought to stay awake for. Anyone can hide it, because I guarantee you’ll forget where you put it before you get back to the table. Then, you’re off to the races! Stumble through the house and find the special nug. Whoever wins gets to consume it however they please (except not in a hookah cuz that’s just weak). Sharing is optional.
Grace After Meal
A blessing is said and the third joint is smoked.
Hallel (Praises)
Psalms are recited and the fourth joint is smoked.
Nirtzah (Closing)
Freak out about how high you all are, and promise to get even higher next year–preferably in Jerusalem.
Recommended listening:
UPDATE: You guessed it–April Fools! This seder is fake…unless you live in Colorado, Washington state, Alaska, or Oregon!
